Passing

My mom passed away last week.

Often, it seems surreal. Could this have happened to me? to my family? to my mom?

My mind keeps fixing on certain moments: her hand clasping mine so tightly in the ER just days before she died. Her last breaths when all I could do was kneel by her side and sob and say "Mom" over and over. How she looked reclining in the front seat of my car while we looked at the fall leaves in Provo Canyon and felt the cool breeze.

People ask me how it was. Hard.

People ask me how I am. OK.

The law of opposition is so at work here. It is good that she is no longer suffering. It is sad that we can't see her anymore. I am glad to be home and caring for my children. I worry about my dad and wish I was there to help him.

Last night, we read the letters my mom had written to each of us. They were all so personal and so filled with love. I told my kids, "I know that Grandma still lives, because this much love doesn't just go away."

A New Life

I hardly recognize the life we have lived the last two weeks...it is so different from the past 7 years.

For the girls, it is three different schools and three different schedules. The biggest challenge so far: the sheer size. All of them have said, "There are so many people!" Jenna had us rolling at the dinner table as she described trying to navigate in the halls between classes where you "turn to the right and your backpack knocks into someone else's backpack which hits someone else's backpack. Your best move is to put your friend in front of you and just push them through the crowds."

Kellie likes her ballroom and yearbook classes, LOVES the cafeteria (but not the long lines), and is not too fond of her science teacher. She also almost missed the bus today, prompting her to decide to get up 30 minutes earlier than usual.

Alissa has been quickly making friends and has decided to play the cello. Today after school, she came walking out with a friend and as they parted, they gave each other a quick hug. Ahhh....I think she's doing well.

Katie has become the queen of the tetherball, along with Sonny, the king of tetherball. According to Katie, "We beat everybody!"

And me? I get up at 6:45 and spend the next hour and a half helping girls get ready for school and driving them down the hill. Then I go running. Then it's some housework and errands--my house hasn't been this consistently clean since we moved in. Today I helped Josh pack up his stuff to go to college. (sniffle) Starting at 1:30, I pick up girls from school and transport them home and to various activities and then it's dinner and homework. It is so different.

David and I have been encouraging the girls to make new friends. Alissa and Katie have had an easier time with it than the older girls. Today, Jenna said, "Mom, you're going to be proud of me in the friend department."

"Tell me," I said.

"In my mixed choir class, most of the people transferred in with a friend who they sit by. All of us who didn't just sit alone. Today I was sitting alone and saw someone else sitting alone and I got up and went over and sat by her and introduced myself."

"Jenna, I'm so proud of you!"

"Wait, it gets better. Right after I did that, a guy who had been sitting by himself got up and went and sat by another guy who was alone. I set a good example!"

I think we're going to be okay.

(In the picture, Jenna is running in her first cross country meet at her new school.)

Endings

When I was in nursing school, I got my first job as an LPN on a medical/oncology floor. It was the only job available and I was desperate for money. Like most nursing students, I wanted to go into obstetrics or pediatrics. Nobody says, "I want to work with the elderly and cancer patients."

But when I finished school, they wanted to hire me as an RN. I liked the challenge of the floor and the hours they were willing to give me, so I stayed, and guess what I found out? I have a talent for helping when it's time for things to end.

It's not a skill that you list on the your child's school information sheet when they ask you what talents you can share with the class. But it's invaluable when your neighbor who's caring for her terminal daughter calls you and says that something has "changed" and could you please come over and you get there and have to say, "Yes, she's close" and she passes away that night. People need someone at times like that who handle the hard things, and I can handle the hard things.

I'm finding my skill in much use these days as two essentials in my life are ending. The first isn't a person, but a place: Meridian School. I love this school. For the last 7 years, I have given my life to this school. And it is over. In the final moments, I had to say, "Stop trying to save it. It will not be what it should be. Let it go with dignity." I cannot tell you what it cost me to say that. I had to be strong and it was hard.

In the near future, this experience will be repeated with my mom, who I love more than I can express. I am grateful that I can be strong for her, can help as things come to an end; grateful that God gave me the skills to do so. I hope that she can pass with dignity and peace and that I can be there to help her.

It is difficult for me to talk about these things--my mom and the school--they are sacred to me because I have given so much of myself to them. I pray that God will increase my talent, increase my strength, that I might be able to do what must be done.

My mom and dad with Josh at his graduation from Meridian School in May.

Crying

A friend stopped me after church today to ask me how I was doing.

I started crying and said, "I want my mom!"

Now that the end is near, I find my desires becoming more and more childlike. How do you live without your mother?

My mom has been crying a lot lately. I have been crying, too. I feel....sad.

She wants to stay here with us, and we want her to stay, but that is not one of the options anymore.

Sob.

Summer

One month of summer is gone and I'm already feeling like it's rushing by.

I work like a whirlwind during the school year, so I've come to rely on the summer as a time to rest and refuel and do all the things that I have to put off the rest of the year because I'm too tired and I just can't do everything.

In this month, I've...

• caught up on my scrapbooking. Yes, I did. All six books current and cute (if I do say so myself). We couldn't eat at the table for 2 weeks while I worked, but it was worth it.


• cleaned my house. In the summer, my house is clean. Everyone does their jobs and I do more and it's so orderly that I never want to leave.


• read and read and read. I've been through so many books already that I can hardly remember what I've read. I'm actually a little tired of reading at this point - I need a break. :)


• put my house back together. Our remodel that began the first of May still lingers. I've painted the bathrooms and hung mirrors and had the carpets cleaned (so much furniture moving) - I even cleaned out David's office. The last things left are putting baseboards back and painting one more bathroom.

It is good. It is satisfying. Bless the summers for allowing me to just stay home. I'm always tempted during the summer to just quit working and stay home forever...but I know I'd soon grow tired of it and wish for something new. I need change.

So I'll just enjoy the moment and the joy of summer.

Making Plans

I am a planner.

I find it essential to my well-being and productivity to think ahead and plan what I (and my family) will be doing. Consequently, I have a very well-used planner that I always have with me that has writing on every single page (I prefer the old pen-and-paper method; it's just more satisfying to me than the electronic gadgets).

Today, my mom and I made plans.

What do you want to do as you get sicker? Be home with hospice or in the hospital?
Answer: Home with hospice.

Do you want family around as you get sicker?
Answer: I want my family to come and be with me, but I don't want anyone to do anything that makes them uncomfortable or afraid.

What do you want for your funeral?
Answer: I just want a graveside service, but I don't want everyone to be out in the heat (in Arizona). Just keep it simple.

What do you want for a casket/burial?
Answer: Don't spend a lot of money on it. It's just going in the ground. I'm not real particular about what city I'm buried in, just so long as your dad and I can be buried together.

These were hard plans to make because making them meant facing painful realities. We cried a lot...and after a bit, decided to talk about something else.

I'm glad we made plans. I'm glad I know what she wants and that she had the chance to tell me. I'm glad that we could cry together and plan for a future that isn't what we would choose, but one that we can face because we thought about it and talked about it and planned for it.

I think planning will give me strength for what is ahead.

My mom and I in 1974.

Cancer and Faith

There was once a woman with cancer. The cancer grew undetected until it weakened the woman, but once discovered, it was fought with courage and knowledge and most of all, faith. The cancer flowed at times, and ebbed at others, but at last, it seeped into new spaces with a speed that overwhelmed and frightened and pained the woman and those who loved her.

So, together, they clasp hands and pray and hope and love and look to God who is "aware of your sufferings and enfolding you in His arms."